and out of 100. And that i should have said in your faces. It sickens me, really.
To meet such twofaced, uncaring and misguided people in TJ.
Firstly, you were working behind time. So you all were fucking assuming that EVERYONE will clear their entire days schedule just for you. YOU had the cheek to not apologize for running late. Well, It's ok! It's not your life you're interfering with, It's mine.

Not only that, you don't stoop only that low. Posting a blatant lie on the board for school leaders, by school leaders. What has this institution fallen to, even i can't begin to comprehend. Audition and interview's spelling is miles apart, and so are their meanings. Of course, it may be typed in intentionally! But then, I thought all school leaders were relatively more trustworthy than your average students. Whoops-a-Daisie. Maybe not. Really, People like you generate cynics like me. I like it when we thought of the worse possible, and we discarded it in good faith. Then we stepped through those doors for baptism by fire. Then we come out, vowing never to be that stupid, that gullible, that feckless fool. We thought some people had limits. We thought wrong. Definitely a good thing to assume guilty until proven innocent. I never expected student leaders to embrace lies and deceit, and still be entrusted to lead students. The rationale must be way beyond normal human ken.

And speaking of rationale, also beyond the ken of normal human beings (may I'm not normal, so was anyone else ATTEMPTING to ASPIRE to be an OGL, Oh those poor deluded souls), the rationale of the "screening process" was moot. I don't see how engaging in quiditties such as acting enthusiastic is going to convince anyone the authenticity of your enthusiasm. And I assume the snide, satire remarks prompt an enthusiastic response as well. So were the derisive and pernicious attempts to make us entertain you. Firstly, if you wanted entertainment, hire yourself a clown, or whatever you deem fit. How would anyone have the velleity to entertain a bunch whom probably wouldn’t appreciate it. Enthusiasm can’t be forced. It just isn’t one of the things that you replicate through a friendly demeanor and a pseudo-bubbly facade. Or maybe it’s the outré culture of this institution, where intelligence can be faked as well. Those actions were invidious, I’m disgusted. How does forcing someone to participate in Orientation benefit you? What the hell. Give them a thought, they may not have made it into their school of choice, and are here unwillingly, awaiting the appeal results into their preferred institution. And this crack laden, high hippie from Loser College ask you to stop being emo and queue for more “Ignite the infinite” (Condescension dripping into a container to be distilled)? Response? Shut the fuck up, and get the fuck out of my way. If VJ’s cheers were that nice, and if you were fucking qualified to go there, then get the fuck out of this place of which you already classify as a second rate institution. OGMs don’t want to be here. That’s beyond our hands. Orientation does not give them a feel of our culture anyway. Like there’s much of a culture, mugging till your fucking ass splits. How would you jerk them out of their misery by intruding like bacteria into a body?
Being appointed a student leader doesn’t mean you treat those aspiring to be OGLs like fucking trash. It’s only a title that bestows special authority to you, to better enable you to carry out your service to the college. I don’t think it gives you the right to interrogate anyone who would be helping you in future with such utter disrespect. What is the rationale behind attacking at one’s ego and eating up whatever little self esteem they have? You do not have to be a student leader to serve the college. Anyone can serve the college. Striving to keep the college clean is service to the college, keeping up with your studies is serving the college. Don’t get so full of yourself. Just because you are from any committee, doesn’t mean everyone voted for you. Why discourage those who want to help you? Only a troglodyte would intimidate their customers away. Oh, then again, they could probably run any event well enough, seeing that you are so fucking awesome in all that you do.

Maybe what pissed me off was how easily you all could push friendship aside for such motives, and with such cold ruthlessness that I actually believed in. What’s the point of saying sorry after doing that? Saying sorry after slapping someone intentionally is a fucking lie. Don’t say anything you don’t mean. Japan apologized for their mass murder of Chinese in Nanjing, but none was forgiven. Don’t apologize. Instead, reflect on what is most important. I wouldn’t treat a friend so coldly even if I had to. But that me, friendship is subjective, and holds different values for everyone. Or maybe we aren’t that close. Fine by me. If you were truly sorry, you wouldn’t have done that to anyone.

But then again, what was I to expect. With everyone coming of different morals and perceptions, it would be hard to instill a certain mission or principal in them. Maybe growing up in a mission school and believing in what SJI inculcated, to be a man of others. Schooling in TJ has really diminished much of my enthusiasm to live up the ideals of a true Josephian, but I still hold on to them desperately. It has become one of the ever ephemeral things I can still believe in at my down times. A certain naivety plagues me as well. I forgot TJ is not congruent to SJI, and just because SJI camps were fun filled and anyone with an intention to help could enlist and be embraced into the brotherhood of our community. The commitment, drive and spirit of being a man for others just flowed naturally and seamlessly as we strive to pull off an unforgettable Sec 1 orientation camp.

This sure does bring back memories.

Monday, November 9, 2009 Soul Searching